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Forest of Secrets Spoof (Holly)
Intro I suggest reading Forest of Secrets before this. Me (in deep voice): wearenotresponsibleforspoilers. Prologue (Oakheart and kits walk through the forest) Oakheart: GET A MOVE ON! *slaps Stonefur's butt* Stonekit: WAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Oakheart: fine. (Speeds time up and their now in the nursery) Graypool: Where did you get these, Oakheart...? Oakheart: I found them abandoned blah blah blah. Graypool: But what horrid brat would leave their kits in the forest? Oakheart: LANGUAGE! It was a rogue or mouse-brained Twoleg, duh. Oakheart: Plus, they'll starve if you don't take them. But I'm fine with that. Graypool: (slaps) FINE! I'LL TAKE THEM! BUT LAST CHANCE OR I'LL BREAK UP WITH YOU! Oakheart: Ok... (droops tail and walks out) Graypool: Finally peace... (licks kits) AH COME ON! THERE'S THUNDERCLAN SCENT! I KNEW IT! OAKHEART STOLE! Chapter Oney Fireheart: Ahh... Freshly killed mouse. AH! WIND! (is blown away) Fireheart: Oh, yeah. (magically teleports back) I'm hungry. I'll just break the code and eat this thing. StarClan: STOP OR WE SHALL BAN YOU! Fireheart: Fine. (puts it back in mouth but takes a tiny nibble) StarClan: (doesn't notice) Fireheart: (walks into camp) HEYO.... Anyone? Camp: (is silent) Fireheart: Oh yeah. Their all being lazy in their dens. (drops mouse lazily) OH! PAWPRINTS! (Fireheart follows the pawprints, leading from the apprentices' den to the nursery) (NOTE: I just found out I'm of school tomorrow and Friday- time to get CRAZEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FOUR DAY WEEKEND!) Fireheart: I'm bored, I'm gonna go huntin' again. Tigerclaw: (randomly appears) FIREFART!!!!!! Tigerclaw: You can't go huntin', your chosen for the gatherin' with Graystripeh. Fireheart: But- Tigerclaw: NO BUTTS! NOW GO EAT!!111! Bt dubs we go and Moonrise. Tigerclaw: Also, you let a RiverClan warrio go yester. Therefore, you are not loyal. Fireheart: WHAT THE HECK!? HOW DID YOU SEE IT!? Tigerclaw: I see all, young one. Fireheart: (thinks that Tigerclaw murdered Redtail, and is planning to kill Bluestar) TELL BLUE, MY LOVE, THAT YOUR GOING TO KILL HER! Tigerclaw: Um. I don't take orders from a kittypet. (eyes flash with fear) Fireheart: (thinks of Ravenpaw and how they ran away) Tigerclaw: (leaves without warning) Fireheart: Phew! I don't have to deal with that joke for a cat! Graystripe: (pokes head out of warriors' den) HEYO FIREY! Graystripe: Btw, it isn't the wisest thing to pick fights with Tigerbutt, or Tigerfart. Fireheart: But best buddy, I can't be accused of being disloyal (puppy eyes) Graystripe: Sorry love... (leaves sadly) Fireheart: NU! DON'T LEAVE! I WANT TO SHARE FRESH-FOOD WITH U! (Fireheart thinks, was it all about Graystripe and Silverstream? Also, did he call Fireheart love?) Graystripe: YAYZ! I knew u'd come through bud! (bounds to the fresh-kill pile) Fireheart: (follows like a robot, picks up a pie) (They go back to the warriors den to eat) Whitestorm: (sleeps in the center, snoring loudly) Fireheart: KEEP THAT SNORING DOWN! Whitestorm: OKAYZ MASTER! Fireheart: Lets eat. Graystripe: Ok. Fireheart: I have an idea! EATING CONTEST! Graystripe: OH YEAH! (In cool-aid man voice) (They eat, setting a timer. Graystripe wins) Graystripe: IN YO FACE! Fireheart: (ignores) Lets share tongues even though they have germs! (They share tongues) Fireheart: What do you think will happen at the Gathering? :P Graystripe: Idk :P Fireheart: Why are you making dat face? I made it first! :P Graystripe: I wanted to copy you! MUAHAHAHA! :P (Fireheart jumps as the bushes part to reveal Tigerclaw, Longtail, and Darkstripe) Fireheart: What are you nerds doing in here? Darkstripe: (growls) Graystripe: (whispers) ignore them, their grumpy. Fireheart: (listens for their voices) Graystripe: What's wrong, ol' pal? Fireheart: I don't trust them. I think their plotting against me. Graystripe: Me neither m8 Longtail: Fireheart. Fireheart. Fireheart. FIREHEART! FIREHEART!!11!!!1 Fireheart: I catch your eye Longtail. (catches Longtail's eye) Longtail: Why can't we be friends? Your awesome! Fireheart: I'm sorry, Long. But the Erins are forcing us apart. Longtail: NO! (suddenly hisses) KITTYPET! Longtail: (turns back and starts talking about Clan loyalty) Fireheart: Graystripe! I'm outraged! Graystripe: Why? And why aren't you using caps!? Fireheart: Dude, this isn't the Internet. I SUDDENLY FEEL A DESIRE TO SEEK OUT RAVENPAW FOR LE ANSWER! Graystripe: When? How? Tigerfart will catch us! Fireheart: I'm willing to take a risk... (babbles into Graystripe's ear) Graystripe: Oh! Aha. Mhm. Graystripe: THIS NONSENSE TOTALLY MAKES SENSE! I GO! Later that night... (Fireheart and Graystripe are on their way to the Gathering) Fireheart: (falls in line behind Blue, his love) Bluestar: It's time. (crouches) Cats: BLAH BLAH! BLAH! BLAH BLAH BLAH! Tallstar: (is sitting with other cats, looking derpy) Graystripe: (singing while flexing muscles) I'm flexing meh muscles! Uh-huh! (continues) Fireheart: (to Graystripe) Be careful while vising Silveh. She might hate you now, or worse, Tigerfart could see you. Graystripe: Talking to cats is totally normal, dude. (runs off) Fireheart: (sigh) Whitestorm: (walks up to Bluestar) What r we gonna say 'bout Brokeneh? Fireheart: (scary music comes on while Fireheart thinks about Brokentail's past) Bluestar: Don't worry, friend. We shall say..... Um.... Nothing. Whitestorm: (le gasp) Tigerclaw: (sneering in derpy way) Those were brave words, my fartface. Bluestar: WE'RE KEEPING HIM! AS A PET! Plus, I'm not ashamed. StarClan: WE'RE ASHAMED! Bluestar: Say nothing about Brokeneh. Clan: BLAH! (ThunderClan plunges into the hollow, only to see Graystripe kissing Silverstream) Tigerclaw: (derpily stops to close to Fire and Gray) Fireheart: (to Graystripe) Stop it! (notices) Oh, you have already. Phew. And, don't see Silveh the shiner in front of Tigerfart. Graystripe: Blah. Normal. (runs off again) Silverstream: (walks by) Look at my pretty fur! Love me! Tigerclaw: No! Not in a million years! (Goes to Onewhisker) Onewhisker: NO! THE HORROR! THE HORROR! (runs away) Fireheart: (paces) What should I do? What should I do? (finds self near a group of elders) Great. Random Black Elder: Dere has been Leafy-Baries worse den dis. Random Tabby Queen: OMG YES! Random Black Elder: Warriors these days are stupid. Patchpelt: Dat season musta been da seasoon Blueh losteh her kisteys. Fireheart: NO ATTENTION! DON'T GO TO HIM! Attention: To bad. (goes to him) Black Tom (Crowfur): Did ya rememe da taw? Fireheart: Uh... No. Patchpelt: Meballz! Queen: And the cats were drowned... (sobs) Crowfur: Ands Prey. Patchpelt: I wishez it wasn't az bad dis tim. Crowfur: (spits) Warriorz of da present r real stu pid. Fireheart: Hey! But your grammar is bad! Crowfur: (growls) You r barly mor den a kit. Fireheart: (opens mouth to speak) Tallstar: YOWL! YOWL! GATHERING, START! Bluestar: Tallstar, you should learn to yowl! Patchpelt: (whispers to Fireheart) He cold easly insalt StarClanny. Tallstar: I report first! An elder of mine has passed away... (sob) Crookedstar: Just get on with it! Tallstar: We r also still recovering from the recent battle, BUT WE WON SO WE ARE STRONG! Nightstar and Crookedstar: (look hostile) Tallstar: What did I do? (cries) Fireheart: THE TRUCE WILL BE BROKEN! Bluestar: We should party 'cause meh WindClan is recovering. I mean... WindClan. Fireheart: (blurts out) WE SAVED WINDCLAN! (runs around) Crowfur: Idot. Bluestar: My turn. Dusty and Sandy are warriors. I mean- Dustpaw and Sandpaw are warriors. Dustpelt and Sandstorm. (crickets chirping) Fireheart: Imma look for Graystripe. (suddenly catches Swiftpaw's eye) Swiftpaw: I'm guilty! I hope no one heard! (looks away) Graystripe: (teleports over and talks about meeting with Ravenpaw) (They sneak away to to the slope, but Sandstorm catches them.) Sandstorm: Where are you going honey? Fireheart: I'm going to long way 'round to catch rabbits... Fireheart: Also, tell Bluestar where we are! Bye-bye! Sandstorm: Bye-bye love! (faints from love) (They dash quickly to where they are going) Graystripe: Lets just teleport. (teleports) Fireheart: Yeah. (teleports) Chapter Twoeh Dogs: WOF! WOOF! Graystripe: Smell anything? Fireheart: Uh... I guess. But it's faint. Graystripe: Let's follow it without thinking! Fireheart: Agreed! (They follow the gap to the bottom of the barn door) Fireheart: RAVENPAW!!111!!!!! Ravenpaw: (no reply) Fireheart: RAVENNNNNNNNNNPAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!11111111111111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ravenpaw: OMG OW! Oh, it's you, come in loved ones. Fireheart: Thank Go- StarClan: AHEM! Fireheart: I stand corrected. StarClan. Ravenpaw: I look better then you. Come live with meh! Fireheart: ...I'm sorry.... But we can't. Graystripe: (sadly agrees) Ravenpaw: (touches noses with them) It's great to see you guyses! I missed you so much! Graystripe: It's good to see u too :P Ravenpaw: Did you get my loved Tallstar back to camp? Fireheart: (opens mouth) Barely: Howdy! (in Stinky Joe voice) Fireheart: THREAT! THREAT! Barley: Dude, it's just me. Fireheart: We needed to speak with Ravenpaw c: Barley: It must be important if you young un's goin' 'cross the moor, other wise you wouldn't waste time with this butt. Ravenpaw: I'M NOT A BUTT! (cries) Fireheart: Barley, there is no time to waste. Ravenpaw: You have loads of time, dude. Later... Fireheart: I ate so much mice, my belly is so full.... Ravenpaw: Let's talk now... You look fat. Graystripe: Don't insult Firey! (cries) Ravenpaw: (halfway through the story) Tigerclaw killed Redtail because he's a fartface jerk... Fireheart: (snoring) Ravenpaw: (slaps) WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aldwyn (AKA Me): FIREFARTFACE!!!!! Fireheart: Ok, ok. I'll tell you everything. Tigerbutt is plotting to kill Bluey... My Love.... (snore) Ravenpaw: O.O Graystripe: (cute and inoccent) Wake up.... Fireheart: Ok! Ravenpaw: AHH! MY CONFIDENCE IS EBBING! HELP! Fireheart: (helps) Ravenpaw: I got a bad wound in my shoulder. Redtail said: 'Hide until it is safez to get away blah'. And ran away into the battle. Redtail attacked a RiverClan cat, who I know is Stonefur, since I have an identity stealer. He was about to hurt him (sobs) and then nothing happened. Graystripe: Why didn't he attack the stupid warrior? RiverClan are butts anyway. Random RiverClan Warrior: (teleports) HEY! TAKE THAT BACK! Graystripe: Sorry. (rewinds time and takes it back) Ravenpaw: Oakheart teleported over and dragged Redtail off- Fireheart: Then Oakheart killed Redtail! Ravenpaw: NO! And Stonefur ran away. Redtail asked Oakheart if his Clan could not finish what they started because their major fartfaces. Redtail was very dumb since Oakheart was twice his size. He even wore adult 100 shoes! Oakheart said: 'No cat will ever hurt him 'cause he's better then everyone'. Graystripe: He's not better then everyone! Oakheart is a fartface! Oakheart: SHUT UP!!! Ravenpaw: I heard him right. I'm not deaf. Fireheart: What's so special about Stonefur? He was the biggest fartface. Ravenpaw: Could we stop using that boring insult? I dunno why he said that, probably because he was old and dumb. Graystripe: (grabs popcorn) What happens next? Ravenpaw: Oakheart bowled over Redtail like a bowling pin. They were under a rocky overhang, so yeah they were probably gonna die- Graystripe: CRUNCH! CRUNCH! Ravenpaw: Ugh! I couldn't see them fighting for no reason at all, but I heard weak snarling. Probably because they were both weaklings. I heard a huge, rumbling noise that almost made me deaf. Then they were crushed under it. I shrugged and ate popcorn, I always hated them anyway. Their tails were sticking out under the rocks. Tigerclaw told me to go back to camp, I did, but I wanted to annoy Tigerclaw. Redtail was charging outta the dust. Tigerclaw was waiting in the shadows. WARNING: This scene is rated- Fireheart: SHUT UP! Ravenpaw: Dawww.... Tigerclaw grabbed Redtail and started to dance and kissed him, then pinned him. Redtail struggled, but Tigerclaw sank his teeth into Red's scruff, and it was all over. Redtail: I HATE TIGERCLAW! Fireheart: What the heck!? Graystripe: Does this prove anything? Redtail: Yes servant, it does! Fireheart: It does. RiverClanny can prove it.. Graystripe: Rayray made it sound like Redtail killed Tigerclaw. Redtail: Don't endanger my honor! Fireheart: Yes, master. Fireheart: Raven, is there anything else that happened...? Ravenpaw: (shakes head) Fireheart: (head turns big) ARE YOU SURE!? Ravenpaw: (whimpers) Yes Fireheart: Good. (Fireheart and Graystripe leave the barn, with Ravenpaw's good wishes.) Fireheart: Hey, Gray, can you help me ponder the information? Graystripe: Sure! (goes inside Fireheart's head) FART! Fireheart: GAH! Fireheart: The RiverClanny cats would know what happens. Graystripe: Let's go! Ask Silverstream.. (blushes and imagines kissing Silverstream) WindClan Patrol: GAH! THUNDERCLAN! LET'S ATTACK WITHOUT THINKING! Fireheart: (in slow motion) Noooo! Fireheart: We scented ShadowClan on our territory. Graystripe: It was stale, so it's no a big deal. WE'RE LYING! Tornear: (is dumb) Good luck! (They go back to camp with no fresh-kill) Tigerclaw: WHERE HAVE YOU BUTTS BEEN AND WHY DID IT TAKE SO DANG LONG!!!????? Chapteh Threeeee Fireheart: Uh... We just thought.... We would hunt.... Graystripe: There was nothing.... To be.... Found..... Tigerclaw: DEN WHY DO YA HAVE NO FRESH-KILL!!!!!????????? (scents mouse) Fireheart: (exchanges a worried glance with Graystripe) Tigerclaw: I must hunt itt!!!!!!! Fireheart: (relaxes) That was dumb. Graystripe: Yeah. Bluestar: ME DEN!!! Tigerclaw: HEHE! I DIDN'T FIND A MOUSE, DO I DECIDED IT WAS YOU, AND CAME TO BLUEBLUE'S DEN TO REPORT IT! NO WAKE UP BLUESTAR! Bluestar: (who was talking in her sleep) Huh? Tigerclaw: DESE TWO YOUNG'UN'S HUNTED AND BROUGHT BACK NOTHIN', YET DEY HAVE DAH SCENT O' MOUSE ON 'EM!!!!!!!! DEY ATE WITHOUT PROVIDN' FOOD FO' OUR CLAN!!!! Bluestar: THEY WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING!!! Is this true? Fireheart: We.... Were..... Graystripe: Not..... On..... Fireheart: A..... Hunting.... Graystripe: Patrol.... So.... Fireheart: We... Ate.... Graystripe: The.... First.... Tigerclaw: STOP TALKIN' LIKE DAT! Fireheart: Prey we caught, Graystripe: And were unable to catch anymore! Bluestar: I ISH VERY DISSAPOINTED U WILL HUNT ALL DAY TOMORROW FOR DA CLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (They exit the den) Graystripe: I thought Bluestar would cut our tails off with her knives! Tigerclaw: YOU WERE LUCKY! NEXT TIME, I'LL STEAL HER KNIVES AND DO THAT! Fireheart: (shivers) Tigerclaw: After all, you are a stupid, dumb, dang kittypet! Remember, dumb one, you let Silverbeauty- I mean Silverfart go! (blushes) Graystripe: Mousebrain. That was pretty brave or very crazy. Fireheart: I didn't ask for Tigerclaw to hate me! The Erins did! Sandstorm: Why is Tigerfart so angry? Fireheart: (snoring) I.... Need..... Sleep.... I'll..... Talk.... Later.... (collapses on side and snores loudly) Sandstorm: (rolls eyes and curls up by Fireheart, kissing) Dustpelt: (glares) I SAW THAT FARTFACE! Sandstorm: Hey! Fireheart: (dreaming, walking through the forest) Ohhh, I'm going to catch a mouse, mouse! (Spottedleaf appears) SPOTTEDLEAF I LOVE YOU! (hugs and kisses) Spottedleaf: CALM DOWN! There is something I want you to see. Fireheart: I'M TO IN LOVE TO CARE! Ok, I'll follow you (follows) (Fireheart is led to somewhere) Spottedleaf: I'm sorry but WATER CAN QUENCH FIRE! WATER CAN QUENCH FIRE! WATER CAN QUENCH FIRE! (puts hose in Fireheart's face and sprays) Fireheart: AHHH! IMMA DIE! (wakes up) Graystripe: Fartface. It's nearly sunhigh! Fireheart: WATER CAN QUENCH- OMG I'M LATE! Chaptey Four (Fireheart, Graystripe, and Brackenpaw go up a cold, snowy ravine) Fireheart: The sun is out! PREY YOU BETTER COME OUT! Brackenpaw: SHUSH YOU DUMMY! Fireheart: (cries) Graystripe; FIREY IS RIGHT, SERVANT! (Hits Brackenpaw on the head with a hammer) Brackenpaw: OW! (cries) Sandstorm: Love's friend, all that stomping will make the prey go away. Graystripe: Can you just call me Graystripe? Sandstorm: NEVAH!~ Fireheart: I'm glad to be hunting with my friends other then Brackenpaw- Brackenpaw: HEY! Fireheart: But I only appreciate Sandstorm, really. Graystripe: (cries) Sandstorm: Really? Thank! Fireheart: NO Sandstorm: (cries) Fireheart: This hunting is a punishment, y'know. Brackenpaw: Hahaha! Graystripe: SILENCE, SERVANT! Fireheart: (has a flashback of Bluestar telling him not to hunt with his friends and shrugs) Sandstorm: WHAT ARE YOU SHRUGGING ABOUT SERVANT!? Fireheart: Derp! They reach the top of the ravine. Sandstorm: I'm gonna split up with you, since I don't like HIM! *glares at Fire* Graystripe: Servant, look for mice along the roots! And I don't care... Fireheart: I feel... The loss. (Starfire voice) Graystripe: Cinderpaw doesn't matter! Fireheart: *gasps* Graystripe... Is a psychic! Graystripe: ... Fireheart: I smell a rabbit! (Fireheart drags the rabbit back to camp) Bluestar: Take it straight to Yellowfart! Yellowfart: *cries* Don't call me that :( Fireheart: *completely ignores* Okay! Cinderpaw: (singing) Sitting by Yellowfang, sitting by Yellowfang! Yellowfang: What does One-Toilet need for her cracked pads? I forgot. Cinderpaw: Marigold and yarrow... You dummy... Yellowfang: *cries* I only forgot... Cinderpaw: *gets the herbs* FIREHEART! *runs up and hugs* Yellowfang: His good looks ruin my time with my apprentice... Fireheart: Yellowfang, here is a rabbit. It's skinny, and hard, just the way you like it! Yellowfang: I like it fat and tender! *cries* Yellowfang: Anyway, the Clan's been farting in here since sunrise... Fireheart: How are you settling in, my woman? Yellowfang: Aww, you don't have to worry, macho man :) Fireheart: I wish I could, because this is Worriers, not Warriors, and I'm responsible for Cinder's accident :( Fireheart: *le gasp* It was really a trap for Bluestar! Yellowfang: I honestly don't care. (Fireheart goes back to hunting) Fireheart: I MUST MAKE TIGERCLAW GUILTEH! (HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS AFTER THEIR LONG HUNTING TRIP) Graystripe: La, River- The coast is clear, Firefar- HE HAS ME DOING IT TOO! Fireheart: *doesn't care and crosses the river* WEE! ICE SKATING! Fireheart: We need to talk to a RiverClan kitty, OR WE WILL DIE!! Graystipe: Now we sit in this boring spot and wait. (10,000 years later) Silverstream: *pops up out of nowhere* HOI! Graystripe: Hi, my love. Fireheart: NO TIME FOR GROODY ROAMNCE!!! Silverstream: Why did you come? If anyone finds you, you know you'll die. Fireheart: One, we're dumb, and two, we need to know about Oakheart. Silverstream: Mistyfoot knows everything about him! *runs off to get her* Mistyfoot: *drops out of the sky* HOI! Graystipe: OH MEH STARCLAN! Silverstream: Don't kill them, they just need information on Oakheart! Mistyfoot: OH! He's handsome, he spends years grooming himself, he likes toilets, he's like Thunderflame - WAIT, HOW DO I EVEN KNOW THUNDERFLAME!? Graystipe: Me and Silverstream are gonna go have a dat- I mean, go do something. Fireheart: Okay! Graystipe: Roll in fox poop to hide the scent when your done! Mistyfoot: I remember you from a Gathering! But you were farting in fear... Fireheart: Oh yeah, forget that. I IS A MIGHTY WARRIOR NOW!!111!!!!! Mistyfoot: So, what exactly do you want to know about Oakheart? His top secret information? Like how he wears a diaper? Fireheart: No, I need to know about how he died. Mistyfoot: Oakheart was fatheh, and he died dumbly under rocks. Fireheart: WHY WOULD A DUMB THUNDERCLAN CAT HEAR HIM SAY, "NOBODY SHALL HARM STONEFUR OR I WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVEH!!!!1!! NOW I WILL DIE!" Mistyfoot: I dunno. But I have an hour long- Mistyfoot: WAIT! GARYPOOL WILL KNOW!!!!! Garypool: *falls from the sky randomly* DID SOMEONE SAY: GARYPOOL!? Fireheart: Um... No? Garypool: Oh, goodbye. Mistyfoot: HEY! :( But, go roll in some fox poop. Fireheart: Okay! NOW LETS FIND GRAYSTRIPE!!!! CHAPTER FIVE!!! WHA!?? Fireheart: Why did I roll in fox poop? Bluestar: COME ON, LAZY CHICKENS!!!!!!!!!!!! COME UNDER THE DERPROCK, OR ELSE YOU SHALL DIE AND RUN IN CIRCLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fireheart: OH MEH STARCLAN! *puts squirrel on fresh prey pile* Brindleface: *walks by* lalalalala, kits! Cloudkit: Y cant I be app? I is as big as Tornpa :( Fireheart: CLOUDYKITTY, THIS IS YOUR APP CEREMONY!!!! Cloudkit: Reallyz???? *squeals* Brindleface: Shut yo mouth, servant. Fireheart: I must find my loyal servant mate, SANDSTORM!!!! Sandstorm: *retches* What is that smell? *faints* Fireheart: Oh well. Bluestar: IT ISH TIME FOR BRITEKIT AND TORNKIT TO BECOME.... APPS!!!!! BRITEKIT, YO MENTOR SHALL BE WHITSTORM, TORNKIT, YOUR MENTOR SHALL BE MEESEFUR!!!! Fireheart: O Em Ge- StarClan: Ahem! Fireheart: O Em S C! GARYSTRIPE! Graystripe: WAT!? I'M GRAYSTRIPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Graystripe: And also, Mistyfoot and Garypool will meet us by the bridge tomorrow!!!! YAYZ!!!! Fireheart: Thank you Graystipe ;) Graystripe: No problem ;) Fireheart: HEY I USED THAT FACE FIRST :<( ;) Graystripe: MUAHAHAHAHA!!! ;) (A DAY LATER THAT SEEMED LIKE A YEAR) Fireheart: (singing) Waitin' here, waitin' for Garypool, uh-huh! Graystripe: I'm going to make myself comfortable, because I'm not comfortable, and I should be because I'm perfect!!!! Fireheart: I has a mouse for Garypool. Graystripe: NO, I WANT IT!!!! Fireheart: SHUT UP!!!! Garypool: Why do we have to cross the river? My young bones are to old for this. Mistyfoot: That makes no sense. Garypool: BUT I'M GONNA FREEZE TO DEATH!!! Silverstream: No your not, drama king. Garypool: I thought I was a girl... Silverstream: Oh yeah XD Garypool: OH MEH STARCLAN!!! THUNDERCLAN CATS!!! (runs in circles) Silverstream: It's just the two dumb warriors, Fireheart and Graystripe. Garypool: What are they doing in GaryClan - I mean RiverClan - territory? Mistyfoot: They need to use the bathroom and talk to you! Silverstream: You two can come out. Graystripe: Come on, Firefart! WHAT!? DID I JUST CALL YOU FIREFART!? Fireheart/fart: Yes, you did. Silverstream: This is Garystripe - I mean Graystripe - and Firefart - I mean Fireheart. Garypool: There must be a good explanation that you have come looking for the wise Garypool, AKA me. Mistyfoot: Their decent cats, for dumb ThunderClanners. Fireheart: Yay! Fireheart: Also, here's a mouse. Graystripe: Hey! I wanted that! Garypool: THANK YOU! Fireheart: Why did Oakheart say: "NOBODY SHALL HARM STONEFUR OR I WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVEH!!!!1!! NOW I WILL DIE!"? Garypool: LEAVE, SERVANTS! Mistyfoot/Silverstream/Graystripe: *slowly back away* Silverstream: We'll wait for you at the HUGE TWOLEG BRIDGE!!! Garypool: I IS NOT HELPLESS! Garypool: I know Mistyfoot said that Oakheart is her father. Fireheart: Yes. Garypool: I am not their mother. He stole them from ThunderClan and brought them to me. Fireheart: Where had Oakheart gotten the kits? Garypool: FROM THE THUNDERCLAN FOREST, OBVIOUSLY!!!11!!!!! Garypool: AND THEY SMELLED LIKE THUNDERCLAN! Turtle Tail (writer): DUN DUN DUN!!! CHAPTER SIX: SPOOFINESS Fireheart: Did they realleh come from ThunderClan? Garypool: Y u ignore me that's exactly what I'm telling you :<( Fireheart: Did he steal them from RiverClan then, because I'm dumb? Garypool: NO U IDIOT! HE WAS NOBLE OREO!!!! Fireheart: Did you just call him a noble oreo? Garypool: Yes! Fireheart: Sorry for calling him dumb. Garypool: I SHALL NEVER ACCEPT U APOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK! Fireheart: Phew. Why did u take care of ThunderClan kits? Garypool: Oakheart asked me 2. He wasn't depute then tho. He was still a young oreo. I had recently birthed my kits, but they all dyed becauz of the cold and I had extra milk! They wouldn't have survived if I hadn't cared for tem! *bragging* Fireheart: AWWW. And also, shut up. Garypool: SHUSH, LOWLY SERVANT! And the ThunderClan scent faded! :) THEY WEREN'T DUMB ANYMORE!!! Fireheart: Do Mistefoot and Stonfur no about this? Garypool: Dey don't know. And if you ever tell them, EVER EVER EVER, I WILL RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT! Fireheart: *gulps* Garypool: I must leave now. Text me. Fireheart: OKAY! *pulls out phone* Garypool: *texts, they've never doubted I ish their mother! And I likez to tink they look a lil' like me* Garypool: *texts, the two kitties have always been loyale to RiverClan, and I don't want their loyale te to be devided!!!!!!!!* Fireheart: *texts, I swear on StarryClan I'll never tell them!* Garypool: *texts, I no. I no all. Anywayz, even if he claimz knot to no where they came froom, he should have smeled le scent as clear az I did! They are loyale to RiverClan, but maybez Oakheart's loyale tes were devided! *le gasp** Fireheart: *texts, thankz u for le information, even though I shall never no what it meanz.* Garypool: *texts, now that I've told you everything...* Fireheart: *texts, what?* Garypool: *calls and says* LET IT GO! LET IT GO! DON'T TEXT ME ANYMORE! *and hangs up* Fireheart: Wow.... Okay. *drops phone and runs* (Fireheart goes back to the camp) Fireheart: BLUUUUEEESTARRRRRR!!!! Bluestar: Wat? You disturbed me sleep :,( Fireheart: I don't care. Aaaanyway- Bluestar: Oh it's Tigerclaw! We're gonna do meow together! Wanna join us? Fireheart: Nah Bluestar: Okay. MEOW MEOW MEOW Tigerclaw: ME OW ME OW ME OW Bluestar: Your hurt, go see the meddy cat, Yeelowfan, I'll talk to Fireheart instead. Tigerclaw: WHY!? HE'S SO (bleep) BORING!!!! (gasps rise from the camp) Bluestar: TIGERCLAW CUSSED! Bluestar: AAAAAnyway. Fireheart: Do you remember the story Ravenpaw told me of Redtail's death? Bluestar: Yas. Fireheart: I have found more information. Bluestar: *le gasp* Fireheart: No cat killed Oakheart, a rock fell on top of him because he was to dumb to notice. Bluestar: Did he become a poptart? Fireheart: WHAT!? NO! Anyway, Redtail was kind of.. er... responsible for Oakfart's death, because he shoved him underneath the rock, and that collapsed on top of him. Bluestar: GRRIHATEREDTAILHEWASMYMA- Wait, no, what was I saying? I can't believe that Redtail killed my mat, i mean, him. Fireheart: I don't think Redtail would kill another cat on purpose. But, he was dumb, so... Bluestar: I agree s- OH MAH STARRYCLAN SHUT UP!!!!1111!!! Fireheart: NO! I, kind of,,,, went across the river to speak to Garypool? Bluestar: Garypool!!!!??? But, this is interesting, so continue. Fireheart: Tiggerclaw lied about how Oakheart died, and since he lied about that... *deep breath* COULDHEBELYINGABOUTREDTAILTOO!? Bluestar: Tiggerclaw's a fine deputy. And what you bring up against him is so freaking serious. WAIT, WHY ARE WE CALLING HIM TIGGERCLAW NOW!??? Turtlefur: *from above* JUST GO WITH IT, BLUEBLUE!! Fireheart: I agree, but the heavenly Turtlefur says to go with it, so she must be right!11!!!! (Bluestar sinks her head into her nest) Fireheart: *awkwardly* Uh, should I leave? AAAAANNNNYYYWAAAAAYYYY, there's something else. A strange thing about RiverClan warriors. Two, specifically *edgy zoom in* Bluestar: I'm, uh, suddenly interested for, uh, absolutely no reason at all! Yeah, no reason, nothing to worry about... Fireheart: Oh, yay! Ravenpaw told me, in the battle for Sunningrocks, Oakkkeh stopped Redtail from killing one warrior in particular, Oakheart said, "NOBODY SHALL HARM STONEFUR OR I WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVEH!!!!1!! NOW I WILL DIE!" Garypool told me, he brought them to her, Garypool suckled them but when she first washed them she noticed they had a layer of ThunderClan scent. SO, BLUESTAR, IS IT TRUE!!!!???? THEY STOLE FROM US!!!! Bluestar: DID YOU LISTEN TO HER FRICKING NONSENSE!!!??? THIS WASN'T EXPECTED OF YOU, BEST WARRIOR!! YOU WENT INTO FREAKING ENEMY TERRITORY, LISTENED TO STUPID GOSSIP, AND ACTUALLY BELIEVED THAT STUPIDITY! You'd be better off thinking about your own crap instead of coming into my den and whining! Maybe Tiggerclaw was right to distrust you. Fireheart: I'm sorry. Turtlefur: Try that again, but stammer!!! Fireheart: Okay, director. I-I-I'm s-s-orry Bluestar: Go do something that benefits a turd. Fireheart: But I'm not a turd Bluestar: I SAID, GO DO SOMETHING THAT BENEFITS A TURD! NEVER BRING THIS UP AGAIN! DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND!? Fireheart: Yes, ma'am (Fireheart slowly backs out of the den, and runs into his den once he's out) Turtlefur: Fireheart wonders about Bluestar. How she will think they talked to RC cats, if she'll find out about Graystripe and Silverstream, and he blew it, because Bluestar won't want to hear another word about Tiggerclaw. Chapter Seven: MAD ABOUT THAT DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER, HUH!? Fireheart: I'm confused and unhappy, so I'm gonna go to the warriors' den!!! (Fireheart hesitates) Fireheart: But, I don't wanna meet Tiggerclaw! *starts to cry* Turtlefur: Shush, shush *gives Fireheart a pacifier* Fireheart: Than- WAIT, I DON'T NEED THIS!!! *throws it away* I'm going to go to Yeelowfan's den. Cinderpaw: WAIT, WOAH, IT'S A FIREFAR- HEART! Fireheart: YOU TOO????? Cinderpaw: Sorry... Fireheart: What's the rush? Are cats, sick in the sun so they feel something gush diarrhea? Turtlefur: SORRY!!!! Cinderpaw: Yeah. And with all the snow, we are low on Herbs!! I want to find as many as possible before it gets dark, because derps come out at night.... and I have a fear of derps! And Nighty, the queen derp, will eat me.. anyway, yeah. Fireheart: Shall I help? It's almost dark (The sun was still in the morning clouds) Cinderpaw: Uh... okay. *muttering* you idiot. Fireheart: What was that??? Cinderpaw: Oh, nothing. Let's get going. (They go across the camp to the camp entrance, but they hear the shrill mews of kits). Fireheart: IT'S THE KIT APOCALYPSE!!!!!! Cinderpaw: No, shut up! Their just playing! (A group of kits has surrounded Brokentail, and are jeering at him!) Cloudkit: You traitor rogue butt! Fireheart: *thinking* Stop it, kits! Brokentail: I uh... challeneg.... uh.... OH, WHAT WAS I SAYING!? Datonekit: You'll never catch us, oldy!!!! Darkstripe: This is perfectly fine, because everything they are saying is true!!!!1!1!! (Brokentail swings his head from side to side in confusion.) Fireheart: He's going to hurt them!!! Cinderpaw: No, he isn't. He's a helpless oldee! Fireheart: Wait, i'm going to *superhero voice* STOP THEM!!! (Cloudkit pounces on Brokentail's tail, and EATS IT! Broken-notail lashes out at him, but to no avail.) Darkstripe: *leaps up* IF YOU HURT THAT KIT, I WILL FLAY YOUR SKIN AND EAT YOU FOR DINNER!!! (Fireheart is too angry to speak, so he leaps toward Cloudkit) Fireheart: IF YOU DON'T STOP, DERP QUEEN NIGHTY WILL EAT YOU!!!! Flamey: *jumps on top of Fireheart* CAN I REPLACE HIM, TURTLEFURWHITELYNX!!!??? HE'S A JERK!!! Turtlefur: No! *sucks Flamey back into the sky with a cat vaccum* Flamey: Dang. Cloudkit: NO! Stop, Fireheart, Flamey was right! You are a jerk! Category:Hollytuft